


The Scar That Hurts The Most

by alienbiarcher



Series: On Scars and Bruises [1]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: (At least most of them), After 1x10, Boys Resolving Their Issues, Boys Talking, Canon Compliant, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Mostly Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-26 00:30:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18272153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienbiarcher/pseuds/alienbiarcher
Summary: Alex realises that he doesn't want to hurt anymore. He also realises that the thing that can hurt him the most is Michael leaving. He knocks on the door of Michael's trailer at 4 am and tells him exactly that.Sort of a fix-it for after 1x10.





	The Scar That Hurts The Most

Heartbreak. Everyone, who knows anything about it knows how wrong that word is. No one’s heart ever breaks. A broken thing can’t be broken twice. A heart, on the other hand? It just keeps breaking. So no, a heart never truly breaks. A heart can scar – leaving a permanent kind of damage, and a heart can bruise – leaving you hurt for a moment, but ultimately fading away. And that’s how Alex separated his life – by deciding what was a bruise and what was a scar. Because bruises he could deal with. Scars? Not so much. 

It was Alex’s coping mechanism since he was a little boy. And every kid who had to grow up with the same pain Alex did is familiar with those. It’s imaginary worlds for some and complicated metaphors for others. It’s unreasonable hopes that you were adopted, and that whoever left you back then will surely come for you now. It’s dreams of a perfect future. It’s liking the idea that a home is not a place, but a person, because your house never felt like a home, and it’s desperate hopes of finding that person. It’s something that never leaves you.

So that’s why, laying in bed sleepless, Alex was dividing his pain into bruises and scars. Everything that’s happened to him lately, no matter how much it hurt, it all qualified as bruises. They were all different – some big, some small, some constantly painful, some only hurting with touch. And Alex knew that sometimes there were so many bruises that they hurt almost as much as a scar, but he felt like this time around something else was hurting him deeply. And it confused him at first because there was no scar. At least not yet. 

And then it clicked. Because Alex never got to look into the future. There were too many things happening all at once in present for him to ever think about what the future might hold. It was a war with his father, then a war in the Middle East, then a war with himself. It was a constant war, and when you’re fighting – you don’t have time to think about the scars you might soon get, because you’re already getting too many scars right now. But, for the first time in forever, it wasn’t like that anymore. Alex’s life was far from perfect, but it was finally getting back on track. His father was finally out of it for good, he could put the military behind him if he wanted, he got his best friends back, he was starting to get his life back. And then, there was Michael – the boy Alex wanted ever since he was seventeen. So, finally looking in the future, really thinking about it for the first time, he understood what hurt so much. The scar that he will have to live with if he doesn’t get to see Michael ever again. 

In hindsight, it might’ve been a bad idea to just drive to Michael’s place at 4 am the second Alex made a decision to finally get his shit together and stop letting the world run its course. If something was about to hurt him, he needed to fix it. He was done getting hurt. So, it might’ve been a bad idea, but it didn’t stop him from knocking on the door of Michael’s trailer in the middle of the night with the most determined face ever.

A short silence followed before Alex could hear a soft “What the fuck?” from inside the trailer, which made him smile a bit to himself. Just imagining a sleepy Michael running his hand through his curls and whispering something softly made him shiver in the best way possible. The door swung open.

‘What-’, Michael stopped mid-sentence, when he saw who came to visit, ‘Alex?’

‘Can we talk?’, he asked, suddenly a bit nervous, but still as determined as before.

‘What, now?’, Michael looked around, trying to make Alex realize it was 4 am, as if Alex didn’t know that himself.

'No, I just came here to make an appointment for tomorrow with you so we can talk then’, Alex answered a bit sarcastically, which only made Michael, who was clearly not entirely awake yet, even more confused. Alex smiled softly, ‘Yes, now’. Michael just stepped out of the way, letting him in.

‘I have something to give you, but I also have something to say first’, Alec started. Michael just nodded for him to go on, ‘I know you want to leave. And I understand why you want to leave. Maybe not entirely, maybe on a smaller scale, but I grew up in a house feeling alone, abandoned and unloved. I know how it feels and I know why you want to get away from all that. But, I also need you to know something’, Alex made a step forward to get a bit closer to Michael, ‘You are not alone and you are not unloved. Because, I know I’ve left countless times before and I’m sorry I have, but I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere and I love you. I love you Michael, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me if you leave. And I know it might be selfish to say that, because I left so many times, but-’

‘Alex’, Michael stopped him, grabbing his hand, ‘First of all, sit down, because standing like that can’t be comfortable for you’, he said, sitting them down on the bed, not letting Alex’s hand go, ‘Second of all’, he sighed, ‘Leaving has always been a tempting idea. Especially when I was a kid. Going back was everything I’ve ever wanted… But then you came along, and this planet didn’t seem that bad anymore. And then you left and it became a million times worse. But it wasn’t hypothetical anymore, I could actually build a ship that would take me back. Or at least try. So I started working on it. It was all I could think about it. Or I liked to think that I did. Because, really, the only thing I could think about was you, which is why I focused on the idea of going back so much. And it’s a bit of a stupid idea because I don’t know where to go, I don’t even know if my planet still exists, I don’t know if they’d accept me. And, I would’ve taken that risk a long time ago. I might’ve still done it if you didn’t want me-’.

‘But I do’, Alex said, not being able to stop himself from interrupting Michael, he needed to make sure he knows.

‘But you do’, Michael repeated, smiling to himself, ‘You do’.

‘Except’, Alex said, and Michael shot him a worried look, ‘There might still be something that can change your mind’. 

Alex grabbed his backpack, reluctantly letting go of Michael’s hand, and took out his part of the ship, ‘I-’, he closed his eyes for a second, and finally turned around to face Michael, ‘I had this for a while’.

‘Where did you find it?’, Michael asked curiously, taking the piece from Alex’s hands.

‘In Jim Valenti’s secret bunker’, Alex explained, and Michael raised an eyebrow at that, ‘It’s a long story’.

‘I’m sure it is’, Michael smirked, clearly amused, ‘Goddamnit, I don’t have that many secrets, but turns out that pretty much everyone knows pretty much all of them’, Michael laughed, setting the ship piece on the table next to the bed, ‘I mean, there’s a literal government conspiracy about the alien thing, and then there’s us’.

‘Us?’, Alex asked surprised.

‘Yeah… Max knows’, Michael glanced up at Alex, trying to read his reaction, ‘I don’t even know how, honestly. I haven’t told him or anything, I-’

‘It’s ok’, Alex smiled, planting his hand on Michael’s right one, ‘Kyle also knows for some reason. I guess we weren’t as discreet as we thought. Besides, I don’t care anymore’.

‘Wait, Kyle? As in Kyle Valenti? As in Kyle The Homophobic Asshole From High School Valenti?’

‘Yeah, that’s also a long story’, Alex sighed, ‘He’s not an asshole anymore, though’.

‘Right, we have a lot to catch up on’, Michael said, and the room went silent for a moment, before he spoke again, ‘So you really don’t care anymore, huh?’, Michael asked, hope clear in his voice.

‘I guess, I’ll need some time to adjust, but I’m definitely tired of hiding’, Alex said, and then – after hesitating for a moment – asked, ‘What are you going to do about the piece?’

‘Nothing? I don’t know, I might keep working on the ship – it’s still interesting to see how our technology works, it’s obviously more advanced than human. But, it doesn’t change anything, if that’s what you mean. Even if I have all the pieces, I’m not going anywhere’, Michael smiled.

‘Good’, Alex breathed out, feeling a huge weight fall from his shoulders, ‘Good’.

‘There is-’, Michael sighed, ‘There is still something we need to talk about’.

‘Right’, Alex put his hands back in his lap. They needed to talk about this and Michael needed to know how much it hurt him, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

‘I don’t even know what else to say, except that I fucked up and I’m sorry’, Michael looked down at his hands, feeling guilt building up in his stomach, ‘I know how much Maria means to you and I’m really just sorry’.

‘You can hurt me, Guerin’, Alex said, ‘Really hurt me, bad. And that scares the hell out of me sometimes’.

‘I don’t want to do that, Alex’, Michael’s eyes were slowly filling with tears, ‘And I know I can hurt you, but I promise I’ll try not to. And I definitely won’t do anything like that ever again’.

‘Ok’, Akex whispered.

‘Ok?’, Michael looked up at him.

‘Yeah, ok’, Alex said, louder and firmer this time, ‘I believe you’.

A tear finally ran down Michael’s cheek and Alex rushed to wipe it off with his thumb without thinking. That meant that they were sitting dangerously close now, Alex put his hand on Michael’s cheek instead of putting it back on his lap, and they were staring at each other, both teary-eyed and barely breathing. Alex wanted to kiss him. At that moment, it felt like it was the only thing he ever wanted like it would fix everything. He knew it wouldn’t, but it would be a start. A good start.

Alex felt soft lips on his own – he wasn’t sure who initiated the kiss. They were drawn to each other like magnets, perhaps they met right in the middle – it didn’t really matter. He put his hands in Michael’s curls, while Michael’s hands were gently holding his waist. It was probably very late. It was already late when he came there. He wanted to stay. ‘Please stay’, Alex heard Michael whisper between the kisses. He did. He never left again.

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is , but it's definitely something . thanks for the kudos and comments !


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